It's The New Year, Therefore You Should Have Resolutions....

That most likely you  WILL break in the next month!  Not that I don't believe you have the capability to stick to it, but because I know you are secretly hoping that the New Year means you will be a completely different person!  Talk about setting yourself up for failure!

Everyone talks about how the New Year is gonna be great!  That great things will happen, that somehow your life will change so dramatically that none of the previous years Drama, bad karma, negative energy and thought will automatically stop on the dot at 12:00 am January 1st.  Maybe I'm being pessimistic, and maybe I'm being a little harsh, but I know for my experience this past year that it's very hard to have those expectationsa nd succeed!  You have years and years and years of being this person and now you want to change at the drop of a hat?  Not gonna happen.

Now I don't have all the answers, I more than likely never will.  But there are some things that I have learned in this past year that have helped me through and that I would like to work on more this year.  So here is my year in review...sorta.

In January my husband asked for a divorce.  After 11 years and 4 kids.  My friends were shocked, both at my reaction and at the possibility of a divorce.  I on the other hand decided that if this was the way the universe was gonna play out my life then who was I to get all stressed out about it.  Things happen for a reason and this was happening.  It turned out we had a wonderful friend who helped both my husband and I out through informal councelling.  He is the most random person, other than me, that I know, and his approach was just the most perfect fit to our problems.  What I and My husband learned from him was that I am not a mind reader neither is my husband and learning how to express those needs  to each other is the secret to a successful marriage.  If we get to be 80 and still love each other enough to change each others adult diapers, then I think we did a great job. 

Some how my wonderful SIL decided to abduct 3 of our kids and we decided to to plan our honeymoon.  We've been married for 5 years and figured that it was about time we took some time for ourselves.  We started planning in March, we bought our tickets and booked our rooms....Cook Islands here we come!  What a fabulous time we had.  It was such an odd trip.  No kids, just us, learning how to be a couple again.  It was definitely strange.  Since the beginning of our relationship we had always had some sort of responsibility or expectation put on us, and for these two weeks we had nothing, no school, no job, no family, no kids.    It made me realize that we haven't really taken the time to enjoy ourselves.  Could we have picked a cheaper way to learn how to enjoy ourselves?

Most likely....

Was it worth it?

YES!!!

This year has also been a big year for me.  I've learned so much about myself that it's frightening!  Most of you know my mood swings, my temper, my depression, my anxiety, the list could go on.  I'm not or wasn't a happy person, I'm not balanced.....  I've been doing a lot of introspective work this year.  Its tougher that it looks.  Which is why I say at the beginning of the post that that i say if you think your gonna change just because it's the New Year and you expect results right away, you are setting yourself up for a big fall.  I've been working on myself for at least a year....and am no where near where I wanna be.  I am however better than I was. 

This year I will continue in the search for that better part of me, so if it seems that my behavior is a little strange to you, then you're just gonna have to accept that this is me changing to suit myself and not you.  I more than likely become very selfish, not in a destructive way, but in a " I have to take care of myself, before I can take care of anyone else" way.  I hope you understand. 

Have a Happy New Year...I know I won't.  It's gonna be difficult and sad, and frustrating, and I'm gonna have days that I hate it.  At least I know what to expect, but this is the path I have set out for myself and I know the reward at the end of it will be far greater than the shit that happens on the way.